Rest in peace, Shay

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Shay,

My name is Lynzee. I didn’t know you and I’m not going to pretend that I did. What I do know is that this is the most I’ve ever cried for someone I didn’t know and that I had to get this out because you’re on my mind so often.

It kills me that with the number of mutual people we knew that we never met. Because obviously you and I have some pretty big things in common. We’re both young moms who have been working our butts off to make sure our sons are ok. We both feel things very, very deeply. We’ve both experienced unbearable pain. And we’re both really, really good at putting on a brave face to make the rest of the world smile.

And even though there are tons of people who are confused right now, I can tell you there are a few who aren’t. Because we understand. I don’t know what your reasoning was, but I know how you felt. I don’t know why this happened, but I know how this happened. I know how dark things can get and I know that you probably felt like you had to be even stronger than most because you wanted Liam to see you that way. And I just wish I would have met you.

Because I can tell you right now that a few years ago, there were probably dozens of times that if I’d been left alone, I’d be in exactly the same scenario. I know that in my heart and it just makes me feel for you and Liam that much more. And like with you, I’m guessing no one knew it was that bad. So I know you’re not selfish and I know responses like “how could she do that?” are not appropriate and I will be quick to shut down any that I hear. Because unless you’ve been there and have felt that much pain, you don’t understand it. You don’t understand that even though everyone around you tells you they care about you, you still feel like they’d be better off if you were gone…or at the very least, indifferent to it. Or you know they love you, but you can’t imagine the pain they’ll feel will outweigh what’s suffocating you and you just can’t do it anymore. You can’t see clearly when things are that dark and so it’s not a decision that’s based on selfish thoughts—it’s the exact opposite. And I know that when emotional pain becomes so bad that it’s physical that you are just desperate to make. it. stop.

I wish I could have told you that the immense amount of love you feel for your son now is only going to grow as he does and that is what’s going to get you through everything. That someday it’s going to become so strong that it’ll outweigh the pain and you’ll be able to see past it. None of it might have made any difference, but I just wish I could have told you—even once—that I completely understand what it feels like to not want to do it anymore and I wish I could have told you it gets better. And it’s so cliché…and one of those things you tell to other people, but have a hard time believing yourself, but it’s the truth. I wish that whatever had hurt you hadn’t happened because you seemed so full of life and something as ugly as depression didn’t deserve to have you.

Wherever you are now, wherever you believed you would go after this life, I hope you can see the amount of love that’s been poured your way. I hope you can watch your son grow up and see him be proud of his mom for all that she provided for him. You’ve left behind a wonderful legacy in Liam and in everyone whose lives you clearly touched in a big way. I hope they can all heal quickly and feel peace again. I hope you know true happiness and don’t feel an ounce of pain anymore. Rest in peace, pretty girl. Maybe we’ll meet someday and we can share hilarious stories about what it’s like being the moms of boys.

Love & Light,
Lynzee

Dedicated to Shaylicia Marie Fisher 1994-2014

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